Battle of the bulges (of the sexes)!!!

A family was riding back home after a party

Hubby : It was a great party (hubby is all happy and high in spirit)

Wife :Yes. It was a great party until they started the “Guess your family’s weight?” What a stupid game… ewwww!!!

Hubby : You still have it in mind .. Oh come on… It was just for fun…

Wife :Ya right.. I challenge Mrs. Khanna to play that game a few months back.. Just because she took up some Kellogg’s Special K challenge and lost all her weight …she is off to tease the other souls who cannot starve themselves…(sigh)

Hubby : Okay.. so whatever… see what I guessed was accurate… it was exactly what it showed on the weighing scale… your guess did not even come near my actual weight… hahaha….

Wife :I felt like killing you for that!!!! … Why did you have to announce my weight out to the public.. at least, you could have taken off few kilos right… now they are all going to think that it is my ‘actual’ weight…

Hubby : Hey, But that is your weight.. When you stood on the weighing scale, it showed the same weight.. so big deal !!!!!…

Wife :No!!!!…that is not my ‘actual’ weight.. you don’t understand.. what about the weight of my clothes, my jewellery and besides my stomach was full after dinner

Hubby : Huh… but that is how I weighed myself?? I am in Denim with this heavy belt…

Wife :That may be the case for you men.. but for us women… we take our weight only early in the morning , with no clothes on ..that too after we have pooped and peed… if we have washed our hair .. we weigh ourselves only once our hair is dry….all that water could add extra pounds you see….

Hubby : Okay.. who else knows about this???…

Wife :What do you mean who else knows about this!!!!… now everyone who came to the party kn…..

Hubby quickly stops her before she could complete…

Hubby : Nooooo.. who else knows about the ritual of women taking their weight early in the morning.. Stark naked??

Wife : Everybody does…the ‘bare ritual’ is universal …

Hubby : Then why did not my ‘sweet’ wife (‘sweet’ in his sense actually meant ‘one who cribs about every damm thing’) remind me of this universal truth….. You know that I have problems with getting the guys in my team to come to office on time.. hmmm… going to put this up as my FB status ‘ A bare truth –unveiled’… (he quickly takes out his smart phone and starts typing with one hand)

Wife :I did not get it.. Sooo????

Hubby : Soooo at least it would inspire my guys to get up early… the thought of all that ‘live weighing session’ going on would make them spring out of their beds… by the time they sneak into our sexy secretary’s apartment and…. ( he mentally calculates the time it would take ) .. yup… that should bring them to office earlier than now… aren’t you proud of your brilliant husband.. (gives himself a pat on the back )

Wife :Hmmmph.. Crazy…

Their three year old was sitting on the back seat of the car listening to all the conversation…

Hubby : Give daddy a high five son.. you are not going to tell this to anybody in your play school okay…

Son : Okay daddy .. Chocolate…. (how simple and innocent !!! if only adults were so easy to manage)

Wife :Ya..and what about his weight… why did you have to announce his weight blankly…

Hubby : Now what… should he also join you in the morning after he has pooped and peed????..

Wife :Nooo.. he is a baby (yup.. for any mother the child is always a baby).. the average weight of a three year old is 14-16 kilos.. he comes much below that…

Hubby : So why bother… he is an active healthy boy …then what is the problem.??

Wife :But, you know how much was he running around today… he has only been nibbling like a squirrel since afternoon… you should have seen the way all the ladies were glaring at me.. now they will take me as an irresponsible mother.. the least you could have done was at least announce that he was 16 kilos…

Hubby : Okay so let me work that out… taking the weight on the same weighing scale.. I need to subtract 3-4 kilos for my wife, add 3-4 kilos for the kid and take the same weight as shown for myself… is that right ???…

Wife :Finally got some stuff into your empty brain…

The husband chuckles…

Wife :I know that grin of yours.. I know exactly what you are thinking of me…

She starts hitting him with her hand bag…

Hubby : No stop!!! Stop !!!.. I cant see the road.. the kid is watching..

Wife :Then stop smiling.. you are going to get it from me…

She continues hitting him…

Hubby : Hey what is the use of changing channels when there is violence on T.V… he is witnessing live violence….

She stops for a second.. and grasps what he said.. He gets a nice hard whack for that last one…

Ouch!!!!!

I am special

It's been few days since this incident occurred but that particular moment seems etched in my memory and I guess it will remain so till the end...

I was attending a function; the tight packed hall and the body heat emanating from the crowd made me claustrophobic and I elbowed myself out of the hall for good and to breathe fresh air. Luckily there was a Kirana shop outside the hall and decided to get something to drink and snack....I looked around and found cemented bleachers on the far side of the hall and walked towards it. 


To my surprise I found a young boy(could be around 7-8 years of age) seated all by himself...Surprised, I asked him if his parents knew that he was here to which he nodded without replying and stared at my dew and pringles...sensing that I immediately offered him some...suddenly a smile burst from his face and I told myself, "AWW! He is so cute". 


I sat next to him and we took turns to sip dew and fish into the pringle pack like bum-chums. Then I noticed something strange, I looked again to affirm what I saw was indeed true...To my horror he found me staring and I wished I could bury myself that moment...Before I could speak he said, "See here, on my left hand I have 6 fingers and on my right, look, 7 fingers". For a moment I was speechless...I didn't know how to respond to that and even before I could react he removed his sandals and showed me his feet...7 toe fingers on the right and 6 on left....suddenly my mind was flooded with so many questions that ranged from sympathy to empathy..Like...Does his friends make fun of him? How does he feel about it???, How does his parents treat him??? Is he able to write properly, walk properly...etc....but I was so scared to voice it for the fear of hurting him....He seemed to be least worried or burdened with it, in fact he was so full of life that he started jabbering about his school , class, friends, butter chicken - his favourite dish etc...For a moment I was relieved that we were not discussing anything about his..err!!!I still cannot find a word to call it... additions????

Then he said after sometime, "Do you know my grand mother and grandfather have extra fingers that's why I have them too:)" To my surprise he spoke of it like it was no big deal...My parents tell me that I am special and God love me very much thats why I have these special fingers...They told me that when I was a baby and was sleeping one night God did some magic and the next day I had these extra fingers...My eyes welled with tears luckily I had shades to camouflage them...."Jeremy, you are indeed special", I told him and continued to share our dew and pringles.....

I have never met him after that incident but I learned a valuable lesson that the 
word handicap is in the mind and in our perception of it...Life is indeed a bed of roses if you magically transform the thorns into the positives you need to work on....

The smart Cuckoo

A cuckoo bird looks innocent but has a cunning character. It leaves its eggs in other bird’s nest for the host bird to incubate and rear its young. In the same way, there are some people who have a knack of getting things done. They are the problem creators who get their things done, by making some one the scape goat. They can be categorized as ‘the smart Cuckoo’.

They are among our friends. This includes the guy who asked me to accompany him to his uncle’s house in the neighborhood. Now, this was an underground house with lots of passages and partitions. We felt claustrophobic in there and there was this feeling of eeriness all around. So, my very creative friend utilized the time we got while the old couple were busy, in sketching out a cartoon. He drew his uncle and aunt as Mickey Mouse and Minnie mouse respectively, standing outside a big slice of cheese with holes. Uncle Mickey was holding a board ‘Welcome to our humble home’. Naturally, we both kept thinking about it and laughing throughout. The poor couple mistook it as part of the generation gap and wrote us off as a pair of jovial youngsters. After that day, I saw the couple many times and felt that they ignored me. I thought that it was only a feeling until one day; I met uncle at the departmental store. I was like “Hi uncle!! Came to get some grocery??” He gave me an Uncle Scrooge look and sneered “Exactly. You see, we ran out of cheese.”

I immediately hunt down my friend. It was only after a lot of torture (like tickling his feet with a bird’s feather and pulling his hair from his head- one by one) that he finally gave in. He confessed that he had left the cartoon at uncle’s place that day (What!!!) and in order to save his face, he conveniently made me the cartoonist. He justified himself by telling “I am related to him. I am sure that anybody in my place, would have done the same thing.”

This is a normal characteristic of ‘the Smart Cuckoo’. They have their version of explanation for all the nonsense that they do.

They also come as a group. They could be your colleagues who drill you to ask for an increment, just before a meeting. During the meeting, you raise your hand to make the point. After which, your boss crosses his hand and asks the group “Does anyone else have the same opinion??” This question is being presented to same people who were barking about employee rights and total dissatisfaction, just few minutes ago. Suddenly, half of them act as though they are struck by rare case of amnesia. The other half, sit as though they had erroneously rolled back their tongue and swallowed it down for lunch.

This is yet another characteristic of the people who belong to ‘the Smart Cuckoo’. They poison in private and go mute in public.

Now, if that is not enough damage, I am pleased to announce that they even come in all ages. The classic example is the headmistress next door. She has this eccentric dressing style which even girls half her age would not dare to try. She drags me out for shopping every time. You need to read further to understand her real motive….

As usual, she wanted to select this shocking colored dress. I warned her that, her son would refuse to let her inside the house. She protested telling that “This is an ‘in-thing’. You wait and watch. Here, nobody has a sense of fashion. My style is going to be a synonym to that word”. Since, she is a headmistress; she is never in scarcity of dialogues. In order to start teaching the lesson of fashion immediately, she decides to wear her ‘in-thing’ from the store itself. The store people were glad that they got rid of a piece that, customers refused to take for free. They happily packed up her old clothes for her. After all, ‘customer is king’.

We had lunch and were just about to board a cab, when her son comes and drags us into his car. It seems that his friends had informed him about the catastrophic event that was going to happen if his mother was allowed more time in that outfit.

Having realized that her son would be pouncing on her, the headmistress burst out into crocodile tears and started bleating like an innocent lamb, “I tried on the clothes and she said that I looked great.” In midst of this, she wiped out her tears and signaled me, to join her side of the drama. She was one drama queen alright.

This brings me to the third characteristic of ‘the smart cuckoo’. A similar confrontation is dealt differently by the two sexes. The female ‘smart cuckoo’ would scare us by bursting her tear cylinders so as to avoid giving answers. The male ‘smart cuckoo’ would not allow us to talk, by showing sudden outburst of anger similar to that shown by hungry cats fighting over some leftovers.

Now that they have been exposed, get smart, people. Don’t allow ‘the smart cuckoo’ to lay their eggs in your basket.